Sex is a wonderful, glorious and necessary component of an intimate relationship. It makes you feel good, it makes the other person feel good, it’s great for your health and it’s a great way to end, or start, the day.
In an ideal world, every sexually active human would be having earth-shatteringly good shags, but, alas, it’s fair to say things don’t always go as planned. Sometimes, they go very, very wrong.
First time sex: Losing your virginity might not have seemed bad at the time but, in retrospect, it absolutely was. More often than not it involves a lot of squirming and awkward prodding, almost definitely doesn’t last long, and is likely unfulfilling. No such thing as beginner’s luck in sex.
Snooze sex: There needs to be active, enthusiastic involvement on behalf of all parties involved for sex to be good, but sometimes things get a little bit ‘meh’.
You stop participating halfway through and start wondering about whether dogs understand each other when they bark.
Injury-inducing sex: A lot can happen in the heat of the moment, including headboard-inflicted head wounds, falling off the bed, being elbowed in the face or throwing out your back and, in some cases of very keen fellatio, bruised vocal cords.
Unexpected fetish sex: As long as you’re consenting, legal adults everything is allowed when it comes to sex.
We all have our preferences, and you should never judge someone’s fetish even if it doesn’t float your boat. Sometimes, however, when they pop out of the blue without proper warning, it can be alarming.
So maybe let the other person know if you’re planning on whipping out a pair of nipple clamps when you’re getting jiggy with it.
Bodily fluids sex: Cum, vaginal discharge, sweat, saliva and period blood are a fact of life. They’re unavoidable and nothing to be embarrassed about, but when the other person is dripping sweat on you or you get semen in your eye? Not cool.
Shower sex: Stop trying to convince us shower sex is fun. Just stop. ‘My husband thought it would be sexy to sneak up on me while I was showering in the morning.
‘Things started off well enough but everything was slippery, water kept getting in our eyes and we couldn’t agree on the right temperature. ‘It’s looks so much better in movies!’
Drunk sex: Despite what Beyonce might have led you to believe, drunk sex is all but sexy.
Alcohol makes your nether regions dry and/or limp, being on top gives you vertigo, and your gag reflex becomes dangerously sensitive. And then you wake up with a hangover.
Experimental sex gone wrong: Whether you’re trying a new position or introducing some high-tech toys, sometimes trying new things makes you feel totally out of your depth.
No chemistry sex: This is the kind of sex where you have nothing in common but you’re bored and have nothing better to do.
Your heart isn’t in it 100 per cent, you don’t know each others’ bodies well enough, you don’t know each other well enough to communicate efficiently, and it feels like your genitals are in two different time zones.
Selfish sex: Good sex is about give and take, so if you make your partner do all the work and you have no interest in pleasing your partner, you will never be good at sex. Nobody likes a selfish lover.